


You want a revelation, you want to get it right

by EponineTheStrange (gallifreyandglowclouds)



Category: Doctor Who RPF
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-13
Updated: 2013-07-13
Packaged: 2017-12-19 07:54:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/881339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gallifreyandglowclouds/pseuds/EponineTheStrange
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Matt sees Karen walk out while crying on an interview. Matt has been worried about karen for a while, and he decides to go to LA to cheer her up. She denies everything at first, but then confesses to him that she’s been depressed for a little while.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You want a revelation, you want to get it right

Matt can’t sleep, so he watches Craig Ferguson early in the morning. It would be foolish for him to pretend that this was an entirely unplanned event, because he knows that Karen is going to be on tonight, so he wants to see her. They talk a lot, but the camera on Karen’s laptop is broken so when they Skype, they can talk, he can’t see her. So, he has turned to the television.

Right from the beginning, he can tell that something is wrong. She enjoys being on the Late Show because she really likes Craig, kind of like Matt enjoys doing Graham Norton once in a while, but today she looks pale and tired and like she’d rather be doing anything than being interviewed.

“Oh dear,” Matt whispers.

Things get worse. Craig asks her about what she’s going to be working on in the coming months, and Karen wipes her eyes. The show cuts to a commercial, and Matt sits in front of the TV wondering how he possibly missed all of this. In all of their conversations, he’s not really seen any indication that she might be sad or anxious. But here she is, fighting back tears on national television, and it’s tearing Matt’s heart out a little bit.

After the commercial, she’s not there. Craig starts on some speech about how he’s sorry that Karen couldn’t stay, but Matt switches off the television, flips open the lid of his laptop, and starts looking for flights to Los Angeles. It’s an easy dovetail on to visit to Detroit for HTCAM, and even it if wasn’t, he’d probably go anyways, because he can see that his friend is in pain. 

* * *

She’s in pyjamas when he arrives at her flat in Los Angeles, and she looks shocked. Yeah, probably should have told Kaz that he was going to drop in, but the whole detour to Los Angeles was pretty hasty in the first place, and thus letting her know kind of never factored in to the equation.

“Sorry for dropping in so suddenly,” he says. Kind of a dick move on your part, Matt, he thinks.

“No, it’s fine,” she says. “If I’d known you were coming, I’d have cleaned up a little bit. Probably put some proper clothes on, too.”

“I just figured I’d stop in,” he says, scratching the back of his neck and stepping in. “The flight from Heathrow to LAX was cheapest, so I figured I’d just take that. I’m flying out to Michigan in a couple of days.”

“You need a place to stay?”

Matt shakes his head. “I’m in a crappy hotel out by the airport. Thanks, though.”

It’s not as though he’d want to stay in Karen’s flat anyways. It’s a terrific mess, and he knows that Karen is not always tidy but she can keep things clean, usually, but he can see that dishes haven’t been done in ages, and there are clothes and empty food containers strewn all over the place.

“Karen,” he asks carefully, “is everything okay?”

She drops the Styrofoam takeaway container that she was holding, presumably to move it off of the couch so that he can sit down, and whips around to face him.

“Fuck,” she says. “I thought my family were the only ones who watched the fucking interview.” She puts her head in her hands.

Matt tries to step towards her, but she recoils from him. “Kaz, I’m worried.”

“What about our conversations would make you think that I’m not okay?”

“Well, nothing Kaz,” he says, “but I saw that interview a little while ago and I started wondering about how things were going, because I know you don’t always say what’s going on with you. And you like being interviewed by Craig, so it makes no sense for you to walk out on an interview with him.”

“So?”

“So I’m worried, Kaz,” Matt says.

“Nothing is wrong,” she mutters.

He doesn’t want to push things, because he doesn’t see that going anywhere good, so he nods.

“I’m, uh, meeting with a producer for dinner,” he says, “so I can’t stay, but it was nice to see you, Kaz. Call me if you need anything.”

He turns away from her and walks out the door without hearing her goodbye. That’s a lie about dinner – he was hoping to spend the night with her, but being around her denial of whatever’s going on made him run. He knows in his heart and mind that he should probably go back there and push her a little bit harder, but he doesn’t truly know if that would help or just push her further away. He spends his days in Los Angeles mostly in his hotel room. Before he flies to Detroit (and he knows that she’s back at home right then), he sends her a quick IM.

_Call if me if you need anything. Really. I’ll come to you wherever you are._

_I’m fine, Matt,_ she replies. _Really. You don’t need to worry about me._

He isn’t so sure.

* * *

When he hears from Karen next, it’s a phone call, and he quickly does the timing math and realises it’s about two in the morning in the UK. He’s just returned to his hotel after a day of filming and he’s tired out of his mind, but when he sees her name on his caller ID he picks up the phone on the first ring.

“Hey,” he says. “You still up?”

“Can’t sleep.”

“Ah.”

There’s an uncomfortable beat of silence.

“I’m really sorry about dropping in on you a few weeks ago,” Matt says. “I should have let you know that I was coming.”

“No, it was good that you came.”

“Okay, Kaz.”

“Because you’re right, Matt. Things are pretty fucking far from okay.”

“Yeah, I kind of figured.”

She sighs, and it sounds like a rush of static over the phone. “I’m good at acting, Matt.”

He laughs.

“No, but seriously. I’ve been trying to tell everyone that I was okay, and then I was leaving my flat in Los Angeles and I realised that that would be the first time I was actually going somewhere to see people in weeks, because I spend all my time in bed or watching telly or just moping, and that I just don’t feel bright any more, you know? Like when you’re looking forward to things that are supposed to happen, and I just sort of felt like all the light had been taken out of things. Like I’m supposed to be super excited about Guardians of the Galaxy, right? But I’m not. I just want to curl up and hide.”

“Yeah,” Matt says.

“And I don’t feel like I should be sad, because I’m supposed to have everything, but I just feel trapped all the time.”

“God Kaz,” Matt says, “I’m so sorry.”

“Not your fault.”

“I feel bad for not picking up on something,” Matt says. “You’re my friend, and I just wish I could help.”

“You can give me cuddles when we’re both back in the UK,” she says. “And we can eat shitty takeaway and watch shitty telly, and you can drive me to my appointments when they start.”

He smiles. “Yeah, I can do all that, Kaz. You need a place to stay while you’re home?”

“Strictly no,” she says, “but I think I’ll kill Aislinn while staying with her, and I probably won’t kill you.”

“Oh good,” Matt says. “I’ll clean up the guest room once I’m back.”

“Thanks.”

“It’s going to be okay, you know?” He says. “Things will get better.”

“Yeah,” Karen says, and she sounds both hopeful and scared. “I think they will. Talk soon, Smithers.”

“You too, Gillan.” 


End file.
